Collaborative divorce has emotional benefits

You have probably heard divorce referred to as an emotional roller coaster or putting you through the wringer (at least emotionally). Yet I can say with certainty that collaborative divorce has many emotional benefits, definitely more than any other type of divorce.

The collaborative divorce process involves working with a team of experts. Many times that includes a divorce coach. Typically, this is a psychologist/dispute resolution expert. The divorce coach, to varying degrees, helps couples learn how to better communicate with each other.

For example, a divorce coach will meet with each individual and review the things that their spouse does to set them off. This can include body language, facial expressions, and other triggers. Conversely, the coach will ask each spouse what it is he/she does to set off their spouse. The coach will then help each develop a way to respond to their spouse to keep the negotiation productive.

The coach will also act as an additional set of eyes and ears for the collaborative divorce attorneys. If the divorce coach sees some of those triggers or any signs that either spouse losing his/her composure, they can call for a short break. Many times that can be enough to prevent any meltdowns.

Ultimately, the divorce coach teaches the couple how to communicate with each other. The lessons learned in the negotiation lay a foundation for their future relationship, which is absolutely critical for couples with children. Most couples leave a collaborative divorce with a certain level of confidence that, going forward, they can reasonably communicate with their ex.

Uncertainty/anxiety about the future is another emotion individuals face, particularly if you are not the primary earner. You wonder if you will be able to stay in the family home. If so, can you make the monthly mortgage payment and take care of the house? What about retirement? The list of questions goes on and on. This uncertainty actually plays to one of the more beneficial elements of a collaborative divorce: finances.

A panel of financial experts is typically a part of a collaborative divorce. This can include an accountant/tax preparer, financial planner, business attorney, etc. During the process of the negotiation, both parties disclose their finances. The team can then assess what a settlement will look like. The divorcing spouses will then have a very accurate and detailed report of how much they will have in the immediate future and towards retirement.

Knowing what you can afford (and what you can’t) can have a positive effect on each spouse. Now each knows what he/she has to work with and can begin to plan the next phase of their lives for themselves and the children.

This feeling of empowerment can be even more profound for the spouse who may not have been the primary earner.  Or the spouse who was not the person in charge of the family finances. During the collaborative divorce process, that spouse is now aware of everything (or should be) and is now the only one in charge of his/her finances. This can be a very frightening and liberating feeling.

Finally, an important part of collaborative divorce is learning to be an advocate for yourself. This is a byproduct of the very nature of this type of divorce. In litigation, much of your divorce is predetermined by the court. In collaborative divorce, you have the flexibility to negotiate and determine the terms of your divorce. That requires you to advocate for yourself. For some spouses, who were the more reactive or passive of the couple, this can be new territory. Yet those are often the people who benefit most from collaborative divorce.

Yes, it is difficult to write that anybody benefits from any kind of divorce. Perhaps a better way to put it is there can be a silver lining to a collaborative divorce. Sunny days are ahead after you get through the clouds. The lessons you learn while going through the process can only help make those days even brighter.